I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
