Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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