Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
