that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
time to smoke my breakfast
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
