Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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