I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
