Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
