im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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