Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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