I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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