OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
