Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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