Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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