I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
