I have demons in me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and she was petting her beer can
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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