I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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