I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
