Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When are your genitals available?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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