Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
