Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
