My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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