if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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