dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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