my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
