Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
