The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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