oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
