forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
