I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
