Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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