so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
