she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
