Whod you bang
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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