I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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