How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
