Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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