girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
