Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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