i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
