haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
