i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
