even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
