If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She needs sedatives and a leash
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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