Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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