did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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