an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
