my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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