I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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