I accidentally had phone sex last night
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
