dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
