dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
